January 2013

It's the New Year.

 That means resolutions have been made (and several have already been broken), goal weights have been set, and the last bits of junk food have been desperately consumed before I feel too guilty to eat again.
 I actually started this whole weight loss thing back in July. I was at my highest weight ever, 164.7, and, at 5'4", that wasn't the most flattering weight for me to be. It never really hit me that I was overweight until I saw pictures from prom. Standing there in a line with all of my skinnier friends made me look like an overstuffed sofa. It hurt to see myself like that. So I decided to change.

 It wasn't easy. Sticking and staying true to eating healthily is definitely not the easiest thing for me to do--especially considering that I love food, especially the this-is-definitely-bad-for-me kind.

 Somehow, I've managed to lose just about twenty pounds. I'm currently at 145, but I'm still not in the healthy weight range for my height. I also haven't hit my goal weight of 130.

I've got to be a man.
I've got to be as swift as a coursing river.
I've got to have all the force of a great typhoon.
I've got to have all the strength of a raging fire.
I've got to be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

 So here we go. Here's to change. Here's to health.

 Here's to looking good in whichever freaking prom dress I want. 

I'm an idiot.

A stupid, teenaged, hormonally imbalanced idiot.

Know why?

Because boys.

That's why.

Stupid. Unreadable. Idiotic. Wonderful boys.

One in particular, really.

whomayormaynotmakemesmilejustbyexisting.

Gah, I'm an idiot. I love and hate to be around him all at the same time. When I see him, I just stop thinking sometimes, and then I act like a complete and utter ditz, and I don't know what to do with my awkward self because my limbs decide that they don't want to work properly any more. 

I'm just scared. Scared that I've already ruined the crap out of it already. Every time he has asked me to dance, I've turned him down (even though on the inside I was screaming 'yes') , and now he doesn't even bother. It hurts, but it's relieving because I know that I won't have to bother with it anymore... but at the same time... I wish I did.

I hate being a teenager.

Especially a girl.

I'm going to go sleep, now. Maybe things will make more sense in the morning.... As if... it's been this way for months.

Goodnight.