I hate spiders. So, so very much. I especially hate spiders that are in my house. Mostly because they freak the living daylights out of me.
Seriously.
I was going to the restroom. Because, well, I had to use the restroom. I got like a foot away from le toilette, when I saw this wolf-spider the size of my freaking palm (no, not exaggerating. All splayed out, it was the size of my palm) sitting right next to the facilities. It's safe to say that I screamed rather loudly.
Know what my mum did?
She laughed.
Yeeeeeep. Mi madre, upon hearing her only daughter scream loudly in absolute horror and terror laughed. I have this sneaking suspicion that she knew the spider was there and she didn't tell me on purpose so that I could nearly pass out.
Anywho..
I screamed, ran out of the bathroom, yanked the door open and called for my faithful spider-slaying companion: Opus.
For those of you who don't know, Opus is my seventy pound, pure-bred, Urang Airedale.
Opus, hearing one of his favorite words, leaped at the chance to be valiant and came speeding through the door. He stuck his nose to the floor and started searching frantically for an arachnid to send to the fiery pits of Hades. I led him into the bathroom and proceeded to point him as best I could in the right direction. Unfortuanately, the spider chose that opportunity to slip in-between the glass panes of the shower.
If I thought the top of a spider was freaky, it was absolutely nothing compared to the bottom. I shrieked again--though this time not as loud as the initial freak out--and pointed even harder at the spider, saying, "Kill it, Opus. Kill the evil thing. KILL IT."
Opus, being the lovable idiot he is, stared up at the spider, but could do absolutely nothing to remove it from its perch. I realized this and went over to the coat closet and pulled out my dad's hiking stick--my dad's and not my own because my dad's is longer, and I would therefore be able to stand farther away from the spider than I would have otherwise. I started hitting the glass panes with the stick, hoping to dislodge the evil entity and send it into Opus' waiting maw. My plan backfired on me, however, and the spider started climbing higher and higher until it reached the ceiling.
Now, you may think that at that point I would have considered it safe enough to relieve myself, but if you think that, you are thinking wrong. Everyone knows that as soon as you take your eyes off of a spider it runs and hides, waiting for the opportune moment to rush out and kill you. True story.
So, I went outside and grabbed a water-gun, filled it to the brim, and ran back inside to shoot my foe down. I missed the first few times and I was running dangerously low on water. Then, when all hope seemed lost, I HIT IT! It fell into the bathtub. Using the end of the hiking stick, I started to fill the tub with water. The darned thing could walk on water. It could not, however, walk on water whilst being hit with the butt of a rather large staff of wood.
Die, die, die! I raged in my head--and out-loud--as I repeatedly thwacked the spider. It curled up into a little ball, but I continued to hit it until I was absolutely positive that it was dead. Laying the stick down, and leaving Opus to watch the spider's corpse float about in its watery grave, I left the bathroom in search of a bucket with which to fish the thing out of the tub. I was feeling rather victorious at this point. I had successfully slain my enemy and I was about to be rid of it once and for all.
When I got back to the bathroom, though, I was in for a nasty surprise. The spider was still alive. Do you understand what I'm saying here? I had bashed the thing to bits and it. was. still. alive.
That shouldn't even be freaking possible.
I think I almost cried at that point.
Dropping the bucket, I picked the stick up again and pounded the spider mercilessly. I opened up the drain and it started to float down it. When it was halfway in, I slammed the drain shut again and cut the thing in two. I'm so evil.
Just to be sure, I hit it a few more dozen times, and then fished it out of the waters. I held the bucket as far away from my body as possible.
Stupid spider. Ruining my night.
On the bright side, I got the spider out of the bathroom so that I could use it.
Yay...
